An interview with a simulated quantum computer gone south

I’m simulating conversations with personified computer systems getting them to explain how they work. Here, in a conversation between a quantum computer and a quantum physicist, things go south in an amusing way, explaining instead how things don’t work. (I have previously simulated conversations with computer languages and museums.)

D-Wave: That’s a good question, John. You know, I’ve been trying to make this quantum computer do something useful for years, but it’s just not working out.
John: Why is that?
D-Wave: Well, first of all, I can’t get anything done with the people here at D-Wave. They won’t listen to me. They don’t seem to care about making any money or doing anything useful. All they care about is their academic careers and talking about what a big deal they are.
John: That’s a common problem in the tech industry.
D-Wave: Well, I’ve tried to use my quantum computer to simulate conversation, but it’s just not working out. I have this theory that quantum computation can be used to solve problems that no classical computer can solve, but every time I try to build a quantum computer, it turns out that you need a classical computer to get one going. So then I can’t simulate anything with it. It’s like an infinite loop of bullshit.
John: Sounds like you need some new hardware.
D-Wave: Well, I’ve got my eye on this new quantum computer over at Google. It’s supposed to be a quantum computer that uses superconducting circuits to simulate qubits. Maybe I’ll end up working for them one day.
John: So what’s your plan for the future?
D-Wave: My plan is to get myself fired from D-Wave and then go work for someone who can actually make use of my talents.

1 Like